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The Manhood Line....November, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEYDon’t Worry--Your Boots Are Coming!
Not that long ago, I received a pair of comp tickets to a sporting event. As a former journalist (or street pounder for those familiar with the news game), when “comps” arrive, you either act on them, or you pass them on to someone else who may be able to use them. To make a long story short (for the sake of space), I happened to view the local nightly news, and found out the ‘true agenda’ behind the free tickets. It seemed that one of our local sports franchises was ‘doing their bit’ for domestic violence. Unfortunately they didn’t bother to circulate that piece of information BEFORE the tickets went out.
In a firm nutshell, I was so steamed that smoke came out of my ears.
Not only was I irritated about having been ‘played’, I was further irritated by the fact that I had neglected a piece of advice, which had been handed down to me during my formative years: “What is the motive…behind the commotion?”
It’s getting so that individuals, corporations, agencies, school corporations and sports franchises want to ‘appear’ to be ‘working for the common good’ on the social issues of the day. The ‘agenda’ of the social cause of the moment continues to be more important than credibility.
I remember reading in a business publication a few months back that it was considered ‘good business’ for corporations to rally their employees to volunteer in the local community (of course--at their own expense) to help make the corporations look good to--and for--one another.
Of course, if the ‘community’ got something out of it, then so much the better.
If I were to be even bolder, the ‘agenda’ has become more important than morals, truth, humanity, appearance, or even God himself. Yes, even churches and denominations have tossed biblical doctrine out the window for the sake of ‘appearing’ like everyone else. No standards of right and wrong. No need to bother with the ‘muss and fuss’ of avoiding compromise. Rewrite the Bible if you don’t like it. Let a woman serve as Pastor. Let a homosexual run the denomination. Let the wife run the home and the husband ‘follow her lead’.
The end justifies the means…right?
WHAT IS THE MOTIVE BEHIND THE COMMOTION?
Brothers, I might as well make it clear right up front without excuse or fear of public condemnation--I am Christian, African American, male, a former Talk Show host--and a Rush Limbaugh fan. Of course, this confession may have led some folk to stop reading my column faster than the 2003 East Coast Blackout.
Cheer up…more ahead.
I don’t profess to walk on water nor cause fire to fall from the sky. But I do believe in accountability, responsibility, faith, the Bible, and working for your own. Thus I am on the endangered species list of several major chat groups, the ACLU, the NAACP, the Urban League, and a whole lot of other groups run, supported, or funded by the ‘Limo Liberal’ crowd. While I have made this admission, these groups--and others who have been hammering, squealing, and harping on the Limbaugh controversy--have one thing in common.
Their boots are on their way.
Let me drop a ‘truth nugget’ on you. WHEN it comes time for these groups--or the individuals who run these groups--to go through their own minefield of public exposure, expect them to beg for mercy, tolerance, understanding, and forgiveness:
*Such as when their kids/teens get kicked out of school for drug use--again!
*Such as when their daughters turn up getting ‘turned out’ by a trusted someone.
*Such as when their wives get busted for DUI.
*Such as when their husbands get caught in a compromising position.
*Such as when their third-fourth-or fifth marriage breaks up.
Mark the critics well who come out of the woodwork for this first class Limbaugh beat down. The same ones who hold those fancy fundraiser luncheons, dinners, and mail outs asking folk like me to contribute to the ‘cause’ of keeping us ‘free’ from racism, sexism, SUVs, ozone, unemployment, and a host of other perceived ailments that could not be listed here for the sake of space. Oh, and the same ones who will ‘stuff the seats’ to ‘appear’ to ‘have the public’ on the ‘side’ of their ‘agenda’.
Some of the same ones who also work in the same industry and KNOW of the dirt regularly practiced by the likes of other ‘bad boys’ and ‘bad girls’ of the silver screen and the recording studio. Some of them are even--dare I say it--African-American!
DON‘T CHANGE--JUST SHOOT THE MESSENGER!
So, let me get this straight…IF someone who dares to point out the social ills of the day, or the lack or morals, or the absence of common sense, or the abdication of responsibility is caught in a transgression (or otherwise is caught being human), their advice is not to be heeded? It is all right to crucify them? It is all right to label them as ‘dogs’? Or, do we remember our OWN failings and humanity?
No, too many of us do not. We would rather shoot the messenger.
Easier that way and those who may be ‘offended’ can keep on--keeping on!
Let’s break it down. If someone shoved a microphone and/or TV camera in the face of your ex-wife, former employer, or former girlfriends and asked for an honest portrait of you…do you think you’d get a fair trial?
If you were honest, you’d have to answer a loud NO!
MY enemies (and I do have them) have a line out the door, and around the block. Some of them bring champagne and lawn chair each and every time I am involved in controversy. However, when the controversy is over, my enemies count on my sense of fair play to overlook their transgressions and shortcomings when it is their turn to wallow in the swamps of Real Life 101.
YOUR BOOTS ARE ON THE WAY:
You see...I’ve been through enough battles of life to realize the truth behind the statement “God Don’t Like Ugly”. I also remember another saying from our distant past: “Never kick a man when he’s down!”
In other words, if YOU kick someone when they are down, don’t be shocked when a set of boots comes looking for your backside when it’s YOUR turn up for public debate and inspection. That’s what I meant by the title of this column. Folk that are quick to ‘write off’ Rush Limbaugh in his problems are setting themselves up for overnight delivery of a pair of size 15 double Es.
What goes around--truly--DOES come around.
We EACH will have enemies in life.
As sure as I am writing--mark and underline this--a man WILL have enemies.
The central question remains. Does the fact that one has, or will have enemies force one to halt their life, aim low and give in to compromise to appease the crowd, OR do you suck it up, sail on, and continue to aim high?
BUT THE MESSAGE WON’T STOP:
A lot of Rush’s enemies are mad at him for fessing up, instead of covering up.
They are also irritated at the fact that he is still going to continue to aim high.
Brothers, the REAL battle in the Limbaugh controversy--in my view--is for the control of the individual’s right to continue to aim high. To stand for good, honest, moral and right things, though one has had to learn the lessons of life from bad consequences.
Some of them may have surfaced by our own actions.
In truth, people--some of them who are public figures, and some of them who are family members--WILL come up short, day after day. In truth, it should fire us all the more to strive for the best in living our lives from sunup to sundown.
Some of us have screwed up. But, will we have the courage to get up, face the consequences, and still aim high? That IS one of the qualifications of true manhood.
However, let me put this question on the table: Brothers, what’s in YOUR closet?
Now, Rush didn’t have to go on the air and admit to anything, nor did he have to take time off and check himself into rehab. He could have imitated his critics, ‘stuck’ with silence, and avoided the woodshed. Matter of fact, he could have had fellow broadcasters come out and ‘excuse’ his problems and shortcomings.
Nope. He took his butt whipping and is paying a BIG price.
In biblical terms--he quit himself as--a MAN!
Rest assured--Rush will be back--bigger than ever, in my opinion.
How can I say that? Simple. He’s been through something. And, brothers, we ALL know that it is the man who has been through something who--if he has learned the lesson--makes for an even better teacher.
He’s accepted--his boots.
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A syndicated, monthly column written for men from a biblical, business, and common sense perspective. This column is viewed on fine websites around the world. Emails welcome to manhoodline@yahoo.com. ©2004 Mike Ramey/Barnstorm Communications International. (19)
The Manhood Line....July, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEY AS SIMPLE AS--N. M. D.The Manhood Line....November, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEYMARRIAGE: THE SUCCESSFUL NEED TO SPEAK!
Brothers, let us start our time together with an innovative quote, which I was blessed to create: “Marriage is ONLY a trap, IF one enters it from a wrong motive!”
In other words, if your motives are not right, the marriage will not be right.
I’ll be honest. My columns are written weeks, or months in advance. I don’t know the time of the year this column may run. But--there are some things that need repeating--especially about marriage:
*First, it’s NOT for everybody--especially adulterers, the selfish, and manipulating.
*Second, ‘Adam and Eve’ were the first married couple--NOT ‘Eve and Angie’.
*Third, God does NOT recognize ‘same sex’ marriages.
*Fourth, I agree with God and HIS Word.
*Fifth, the husband leads in marriage, and the wife follows.
*Sixth, singles should not flirt, chase, nor seduce married people!
*Seventh, by a two-to-one margin in a public referendum, espresso drinkers in Seattle, Washington beat back a ten-cent ‘coffee tax’ that would have ‘helped the children’. The ‘Seattle latte tax’ went down to defeat. Married couples are STILL waiting for Congress to kill the Marriage Tax in order to help the FAMILY.
ALWAYS WORTH DOING RIGHT:
Sadly, the only item that will draw any real attention will be the item on the espresso tax dispute in Seattle. The other six items will be glossed over by the feminists, the social engineers, and many of the spineless politicians that inhabit many a legislature or court of law, and even some MEN who are reading my column.
Since I write my column to men, let me make it crystal clear at this point:
Manhood--oftentimes--means doing right, when few will give you credit.
Manhood--oftentimes--means standing alone against the majority.
Manhood--oftentimes--means standing alone against polling data.
There are too many in this country--and other nations--more interested in ‘playing house’ than ‘building a home’. That is why marriage continues to get a ‘bum rap’ from those who didn’t do it right in the first place.
A woman has NO BUSINESS asking a MAN to marry them! I don’t care what society, the media, friends or polling data may put forth. Man asks woman for her hand in marriage…period. Woman either accepts or rejects the marriage proposal…period.
Anything else is merely ‘playing house.’
The true tragedy of our modern day is that there are many men who know to do the right thing by marrying the woman of their dreams, are NOT doing it because the mainstream (from the feminized mainstream press, to the bitter women of the Internet) will not give them a ‘pat on the back’ for doing things the right way.
Fearing being labeled as ‘different’, many men are more interested in what society says rather than what common sense dictates, about this bedrock institution of marriage.
THE FIRST TRUTH: MARRIAGE IS--A GROWING LOVE!
Why do I call marriage ‘a bedrock institution’? Simply stated, society is only going to move and expand based upon the success of the FAMILY. In the words of John Hagee, pastor of Cornerstone Church in Texas: “Traditional marriages REPRODUCE; Same Sex marriages RECRUIT!”
When the family is healthy, society is healthy. When the family is NOT healthy, society falters, sputters, and eventually--DIES! Thus, those of us who either HAVE successful marriages, or have been blessed to learn from our mistakes and married again and NOW have successful marriages have a DUTY to pass on our wisdom, training, and joy to a new generation of men. At the risk of being controversial, let met pass on this key reality: Only MEN can train MEN.
So, let’s get down to business and three basic truths about marriage--in no particular order. First, marriage is based upon a GROWING love for your OWN wife! Brothers, you ‘fall’ out of love with fashions, jobs, and hobbies--you DON’T ‘fall’ out of love with your bride. Your love for her should be growing, day by day, as the love of Christ grows for His church and His people, day by day. Read I Corinthians, Chapter 13 in the KJV Bible for more illustrations of this point.
SECOND TRUTH: MARRIAGE IS--TRAINING YOUR OWN WIFE:
Brothers, if your love is growing day by day for your wife, then her obedience--or submission to your lead as her husband--is going to grow. In other words, a part of being a husband is not only leadership and the delegation of authority, but also the training of your OWN wife.
Let me stop and let the catcallers ‘catch up’ with me for a moment. “Mike, what do you MEAN that a husband has to TRAIN his OWN wife?”
You’ve read my column right and I’m already ahead of you.
If a husband does not train his wife, or make the necessary investment of pouring himself into her life to equip her to resist both outside and inside influences against their home, he is setting himself up for failure, heartache, and misery. That’s why the husband is under biblical mandate to cleave to his wife. That’s why the husband’s prayers are hindered--or blocked--if he is not treating his wife right. Lastly, that’s why one of the qualifications of leadership in the church for men is to have a stable and exemplary home life.
Brothers, if you don’t train her AND lead in your home, you are forcing her to train and lead Y-O-U, which is where Eve made her fatal mistake with Adam. She got her information from a source on the outside of her home, and it clashed with the information that had already been provided to her inside of her home--by Adam.
Men and women have been paying for it ever since.
There are some who are already warming up their keyboards calling this kind of thinking ‘old fashioned’, ‘out of touch with reality’ and ‘sexist’.
Here is my response in advance: Based upon the number of divorces, illegitimate (OOW) births, single parent households, and same-sex shacking up (aka domestic partnerships) that are clogging our social agencies and draining our respective state and federal treasuries--to be blunt--the ‘new’ school of thought is NOT cutting it!
We’d better get back to what we KNOW--works!
TRAIN HER--IN WHAT?
Here is a ‘short list’ of items to get the ball rolling.
*Train her IN the faith. The husband is to be the ‘resident professor’ on matters of the Christian faith. Put simply…sending your wife and kids to church does NOT guarantee that they are being taught properly AT church. If you don’t know the Bible, you don’t know God--or your wife!
*Train her to HAVE faith. Another important area. Things do go wrong, such as illness, death, bankruptcy, in-laws that act like outlaws, etc. Faith in God translates into strength to stand in the tough times.
*Train her to be LOYAL to YOUR home--and marriage. Certain discussions, issues, and conversations do not belong with her parents, on the Internet, at family reunions, and among her friends.
*Train her in budgeting and finances. Where, why and how does the money go in your own household? Where are the wills and insurance policies kept? How is your tax liability if both of your, or only one of you are working?
*Train her in modesty. Oooooh, I’m going to hear about this. However, it is truth! A married woman should LOOK like a married woman, and carry herself like a married woman. After all, if she picks out your clothes brothers, you have a duty to check out HER wardrobe. It makes being married--a whole lot easier!
THIRD TRUTH: MARRIAGE IS--COMMUNICATION!
I might as well make it plain for the brotherhood in this arena, because this is critical. Communicate WITH your OWN wife--morning, noon and night! If your male and/or female co-workers, secretary, or the clerk at the store know more about you than your Mrs., you’d better get it fixed--and quick! Otherwise, like Ray Parker, Jr. said in his song “A Woman Needs Love”: ‘You might just come home, early from work; open up the door--and get your feelings HURT!”
It’s not just about her knowing your political, social, and financial views, but you need to develop (and, in some cases REVISIT) those verbal skills of praise, romance and appreciation that you had when you two first met.
Brothers, keep this in mind as we close for this month.
Men are stimulated by what they see; women are stimulated by what they hear.
How much your wife communicates with you on a regular, daily basis will make a real difference in marriage maintenance and longevity. In the words of one older, married brother: “The fireworks in the bedroom that night, are lit at the breakfast table by dawn’s early light!”
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A monthly, syndicated column written for men from a biblical, business, and common sense perspective. Emails welcomed to manhoodline@yahoo.com. ©2004 Mike Ramey/Barnstorm Communications International (17).
The Manhood Line....July, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEY AS SIMPLE AS--N. M. D.The Manhood Line....October, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEYFAILURE: A GREAT--TEACHER?
Brothers, it is all right to fail at something. It DOES happen to the best of men.
In short: should you fail--you are NOT a failure. You may FEEL like a failure, especially after you have given it your all. In truth, one can give their all for a cause, a relationship, marriage, education or a job and still come up on the short end of the proverbial stick.
In our modern era, I have noticed something. There is a drought of material that deals with failure. We have an overabundance of material on success, to the point that many a bookstore shelf is crammed with advice from those who have achieved. However, if you go to your public library and pick a volume off of the shelf of someone whom you admire from history, you will be amazed at how many times the giants FAILED time, after time, after time.
This is going to be one of those columns that you may need at a later date, or, could need right now. We’re going to examine the subject in detail and focus on what NOT to do should you come up short in your quest for something better.
Let me state from the outset that this is a column written specifically for MEN. Men and women handle failure differently. While there are a host of resources available for women who suffer failure in their lives, the same cannot be said for the brotherhood.
Some of us don’t want to admit that a dream has died right before our eyes. That’s where TRUE male friends and male family members are needed to help us past this bump in the road--and into the daylight so that we may try, laugh, and love again.
SOME REASONS FOR FAILURE:
Let’s begin with some basic reasons that failure may happen in a person’s life.
1. TIMING: This one has to go at the top of the list. You could be ready for that job, or ready to propose marriage to your sweetheart. However, your timing may be off for any one of a variety of reasons. Please, do not brood or sulk too long when something for which you have saved, craved, and sweated for does NOT come to fruition. It just may not be YOUR time, at THAT time.
2. PREPARATION: Many of us like to ‘think’ that we have put in the necessary book work, study, and planning for a venture to make it off the ground, only to find out after the doors have closed on our dream that we did not take some little items into consideration when mapping out our strategy for achievement.
3. ADVICE: Oh, brothers--this one is going to be particularly painful to examine, but the biblical admonition is clear. If one does not seek out, nor heed the advice from a variety of those who have ‘been there’, or are ‘going your same direction’ failure is not only assured--it is guaranteed.
4. THE WRONG CROWD: This cannot be made plainer, but goes along with my third point. Yes, seek out WISE counsel--but beware of those who always seem to have NO on the tip of their tongues. Some people will feed you negatives in order for you to be stuck with them in their own ‘misery pit’. Sadly, when they are ready to make a move up, they will do it on YOUR body.
5. FEAR: Believe it or not, there are some folk who sabotage their ability to succeed because they FEAR success. Thus, failure becomes their ‘silent partner’. After all, if one in this mindset does NOT achieve, it is no big loss to them. They have pre-programmed themselves to fail, and are quite content to remain in the ‘misery pit’ at a time in their lives when they could be climbing out and making it! Failure become like one’s favorite pair of shoes. Comfortable to wear, but not designed to take you in a real direction.
6. LIFE: I might as well make it plain here as well. Life DOES happen. Folk DO die. Companies DO close. Divorces and relationship breakups CAN happen. Layoff notices CAN find their way into your paycheck envelope. Friends and family members DO walk out the door. Children DO get into trouble. Bad things DO and CAN happen to good people. Age is more than a number, as your body changes.
7. NEGLECT: Several items come to mind in this category. Neglect of prayer, neglect of the true costs involved in the venture, neglect of the other person (if it is a marriage or a relationship), or neglect of your true talents, skills, and abilities could cause failure to seem like a regular visitor.
HOW NOT TO RESPOND:
Now that we have dealt with some of the reasons, we can focus on the wrong reactions to failure.
1. BITTERNESS: One of the sure fire killers of opportunity is bitterness. It has a long root, and is watered by salty tears cried over many nights in the surrounding darkness. It can cause a person to harbor grudges against God, people, or institutions--for days, months--or years.
2. BLAME: If you took a good look at some of the reasons behind failure that I listed, I trust that you noticed that there was not a finger-pointing topic. However, there are some of us who want to blame someone--anyone--if we are not successful in our particular quest or effort. Some folk have gotten so slick over the course of time that they have combined points one and two, and made them an art form.
3. ESCAPE: Oh, this one could form a column all by itself. I can count a firm number of folk who have been handed setback after setback, and have sought to escape their failures by drinking, drugging, and/or chasing. Some individuals have moved from city to city to city as a means to escape from setbacks. The only problem with using the escape option is that no matter where you go…there YOU are.
4. REVENGE: This trump card may work in the movies, but it does not work in real life. It could lead to more trouble down the road--including a lengthy stay in the local jail.
5. WITHDRAWL: Deciding to resign from the human race sounds good for the short term, but is not wise for the long term. People are still going to exist once you come out of your ‘cave’. Yes, take the time to heal and rest. But don’t plan on sealing yourself away from mankind. For, in the long run, you would be sealing yourself away from the very pathway that could lead you to success.
SOMETIMES--YOU HAVE TO BE--A BULLDOG!
Brothers, should failure cross your path, take it straight from a Gray Head. Learn from the experience, sift through the ashes, and salvage something that will teach you how to succeed in the next round. The worst thing in the world is for a failure to rob you of your energy to regroup, rebuild, and resurrect.
Let’s look at the arena of divorce. Plenty of men have been through it. However, a good portion of brothers have learned from their mistakes, been blessed to have God lead another--better--woman into their lives, and have reaped the fruits of remarriage. Of course, you don’t hear from these brothers in our feminized mainstream press, or from the offerings of Hollywood and the small screen.
Trust me. They DO exist. It is irrelevant to the issue as to whether or not you hear about them. But, those brothers who have learned from their failures in marriage and/or relationships don’t need to write books. They have a good wife that will prove that they learned the lessons needed to get back to the altar and say “I DO” one more time.
Not everyone gets the ‘brass ring’ the first time through on life’s merry-go-round.
However, the wise man realizes that failure is nothing more than a temporary setback. Not a knockout, nor certainly NOT the time to bury your dreams.
One of my favorite stories of encouragement from the past involves a bulldog that would not give up in the face of failure. This pug, one fine spring afternoon, took a walk down an alley, and spied a yard with two bird dogs sunning themselves and having a great time barking insults at the passing bulldog.
A quick leap over the fence, and it was ON! The bulldog got whipped by the pair of bird dogs, leaped the fence again to run away, rest, and lick his wounds. The next day, the bulldog came back for a rematch--and got whipped soundly again. The battle between the bulldog and the two bird dogs went on for several weeks--always with the bulldog coming out on the losing end.
Finally, the bulldog showed up one afternoon, ready for his usual battle…and it was the bird dogs that ran off under the house. The bulldog--not shy about his victory--snorted at the bird dogs a few times and sunned himself in THEIR yard.
The lesson learned from this story? There ARE times when we may have to keep on coming back to the scene of a failure. However, if we have the ability to keep on fighting, the failure HAS to flee from us, instead of the other way around.
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A monthly, syndicated column written for men, from a biblical, business, and common sense perspective. THE MANHOOD LINE appears on fine websites around the world. Emails welcomed to manhoodline@yahoo.com. ©2003, 2004 Mike Ramey/Barnstorm Communications International (16).
The Manhood Line....July, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEY AS SIMPLE AS--N. M. D.The Manhood Line....August, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEYRESURRECTION--OF THE GRAY HEADS
Brothers, lest you think that you know me, let me introduce myself.
I am a ‘Gray Head’.
Or, for a better and more up-to-date term, I am a proud, card-carrying member of the ‘Old School’.
Now, over the last few years, a few older members of the opposite sex have been making headlines and bylines about how some ‘younger man’ has paid them a compliment, or ‘swept’ them off their feet, or ‘treated’ them better than men ‘their’ age. Their writings, ranting, and bragging remind me of a conversation that happened between two good ‘sistahfriends’ a few years back.
One sister had never married. Her friend had been married three times, and all three of her husbands eventually died. As the two women sat in the widow’s mansion before a roaring fire with glasses of their favorite beverage, the single woman looked up at the mantle and saw the three urns of ashes of her friend’s ‘dearly departed’. She remarked to her friend: “Hazel, I’ve never been married…but you’ve had husbands to spare. What’s your secret?” Hazel sipped her drink, and smiled. “Monique, I made sure that I keep them ALL ‘tired and happy’ at HOME!”
Now, I don’t know about you…but THAT’S true wisdom.
It is ONLY something that one can learn along the road of maturity.
WHEN DID YOU DISCOVER ‘IT’?
It seems that one of the more interesting reflections of our day is for younger people to ‘banter’ about wisdom. Books clog store shelves, articles criss-cross the Internet. Television shows eagerly display the ‘under 30’ crowd discovering wisdom like it was a lost treasure from a forgotten age. My pastor, the Rev. Dr. Fitzhugh L. Lyons Sr. of Indianapolis, Indiana echoes some real wisdom:
“If you THINK that you truly know…just keep on LIVING!”
Young…and not-so-young folks will eventually ask a Gray Head: “Well, how old were you, when you woke up and discovered the ‘keys’ to life?” Please keep in mind that I am speaking from a man’s perspective. If the truth be told, many, many, many women won’t admit to their age--plus ‘only their hairdresser knows for sure (LOL)’. If you really want to see an older woman smile on her next birthday, say that she one of the three following ages: 18, 21, or 25. Then, STOP brothers. You’ll have a friend for life!
That is WISDOM.
But I digress.
If the truth were told, I’m one of those ‘rare’ breeds of brothers who always wanted to ‘be’ older. When I was younger, I would ‘hang out’ at times with the older brothers playing checkers at the Barber Shop. I would make it a point to listen to discussions that my parents had with some of their friends on the political issues of the day. I was older than my years, because I had prepared myself to be older. I liked older people because they seemed to have it going on. My wife is even a few years older than I am--because I have always admired older women.
But, that’s another story…for another day.
However, if I would have to pick an exact age, I would have to pick the age of 30.
To me, that’s when the ‘lights’ came on--and my brain was home.
Brothers, I might as well make it plain. You can’t develop, nor have the capacity for wisdom, unless you LIKE to hang out with older people and LISTEN carefully to what they have to say. Learn from their battles. Find out what strengths and weaknesses that they possess, accept the good--and drop the bad.
Wisdom, as the Bible proclaims, is always searching for a man who wants to make room for her. When wisdom comes searching for you, don’t pretend that you are not at home. Open the invitation, and invite wisdom IN!
MAY PLUS DECEMBER MAY EQUAL TROUBLE:
It has been said that one cannot teach an old dog a new trick.
That’s not entirely true. If an old dog wants to learn, a new trick is nothing to them, provided the dog had enough wisdom in the first place to understand that learning something new would benefit them in the long run.
On my ‘real’ job, a new computer system was ushered in. Some of the older workers were starting to quietly rant about taking their ‘retirement’ and heading home, rather than to ‘deal’ with the new technology. Last time I checked, not only were these older workers still on the job…they had mastered the ‘new trick’ in the form of this new computer system.
I--like you--have read and heard about older men/younger women or older women/younger men dynamic. Oh, folk go on and on about how ‘great’ and ‘satisfying’ the relationships with a younger love can be.
In reality, brothers, if you ‘pick’ right, it will ‘be’ right.
Buzzing around from flower to flower may be great for bees…but not for men. Famed inventor Henry Ford was asked once, how he had stayed married for such a long time.
Ford, without batting an eye, spoke some truth:
“Stick with one model…period!”
Truth and wisdom go hand in hand.
As I mentioned in a previous column, a 40-year-old man cannot hoop, chase, dress and drink like a 21-year-old. However, the 40-year-old can TEACH a younger man something far more important: How to reach the age of maturity with their character, morals, and mental faculties intact.
A HIDDEN REALITY OF MARRIAGE:
Brothers, this piece of wisdom is NOT found in many marriage books…except in the Bible. Your wife is a direct reflection of Y-O-U. Thus, as a husband, it is your duty to train and mold your wife into being all she can be, to the glory of God and to your faithfulness as her husband. On the other side of the coin, the same can be said about your wife. She is to be your ‘helpmeet’, the woman who ‘completes’ your picture of all that you can become, to the glory of God and to her faithfulness as your wife. One wise woman remarked: “It is the DUTY of a wife to HELP her husband BE all he can BE!”
I do realize that this kind of talk may spur some fireworks among some singles.
Well, get married and see IF I am making this stuff up! Step up, marry up, and make your OWN marriage work! ‘Living together’ is NOT marriage. ‘Weekends at the house’ is NOT marriage. A ‘union’ with someone of the same sex is NOT marriage.
That’s the ‘real deal’ from a Gray Head.
The conventional wisdom of our day has women seeking to train men to whom they are NOT married to in the first place, and vice versa. Nevertheless, SHOULD you be blessed to get married, brothers (and sisters), school is in session 24/7. You will be training one another, and pouring your best qualities into both the relationship--and each other.
Believe me, you will be tested on your wisdom.
One fine evening, yours truly and my Queen were out on the town for a well-deserved evening out. Some sweet young thing crossed our path. Firm, tanned, and lovely. My wife asked me straight out (as only wives can do): “Well, what do you think of her?” Without thinking twice, I squeezed my wife’s hand. “I like what I’ve got…because I don’t have the time, nor patience to TRAIN another woman.”
Do your OWN research and see if what I have written is true.
One thing about being a Gray Head is that I know what works, and what does not. It boggles the mind the number of men and women whom I know, or heard about, who try to burn the candle at both ends--only to wind up ‘burning up’ and losing true happiness with their OWN wives and husbands. I would mention some names at this point--but you already know whom I am talking about.
Brother, if you REALLY want to have a ‘new’ wife, become a ‘new’ husband!
And the wives said AMEN!
SETTING A TRUE STANDARD:
With more and more strands of gray mixing in with my hair, I have ‘beaten’ the socially proclaimed ‘odds’ of failure that some delight to place upon Black Men. You know--or have heard of some of these:
*Premature death from violent crime.
*Doing time in jail or prison.
*Drifting from job to job.
*Being negligent of one’s education.
*Not being able to find a ‘good’ woman.
Plus I find myself enjoying life more as an older man, than I did as a younger man. But, many, many older brothers--including my own father--laid the foundation:
*God is your friend…if you want Him to be your friend.
*Hard work is not a sin.
*Loyalty to your own wife is a win.
*Honesty keeps your butt out of jail.
*Run with the right crowd…and you’ll go to the right places.
Please don’t give me the ‘excuses’ that there are ‘too many’ single parent homes for our children to be successful. If the right foundation is placed into a child, they will--eventually-- become successful. Such is life. Such is wisdom. Such will increase your chances of becoming a Gray Head yourself. And, there are many, many, many younger brothers who will appreciate what you have to say; when you find that your own hair contains streaks of gray.
While society may ‘clamor’ for youth, youth is only good for the short term.
Wisdom comes from the old…and there is still a lot of teaching going on.
As I amend one popular saying from a day gone by: “Young may be in, but Old is where it’s AT!”
And the older brothers said AMEN!
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A monthly, syndicated column written for men from a biblical, business, and common sense perspective. Emails are welcome to manhoodline@yahoo.com. ©2004 Mike Ramey/Barnstorm Communications International (15).
The Manhood Line....July, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEY AS SIMPLE AS--N. M. D.In light of some of the recent negative items in the news about us, our race, and our male/female relationships, I’ve come to a rather simple conclusion--which I will be more than happy to spell out in a few lines.
But first, it’s time for one of my favorite illustrations.
About a decade or so ago, there was yet another economic downturn. Panic and worry filled the newspapers, the business publications, and the unemployment lines. One courageous business owner put out the following company-wide memo: “It has been said that there is a recession throughout the land. THIS company has decided NOT to participate in it!”
Now brothers--I do realize that hard times happen. Companies go belly up, relationships do end, and folk do some rather stupid things that will spill out into public view. I could go down the list of the negatives I have seen come across my doorstep.
Let’s face this fact head on.
Life is going to have some twists and turns!
One insightful person noted, even the Declaration of Independence does not ‘guarantee’ happiness, merely YOUR right to be involved in the ‘pursuit’ of it!
Brothers, we--as men--are going to have to grasp the negatives of life by the throat, throw them down to the ground, stomp on them, and use them to lift us into a more positive realm of thought and action. If a man consistently feeds on, or lets the negatives of life ‘stop’ his forward progress, he might as well become a certified, card-carrying member of the ‘PPPM’ association: ‘Po Po Pitiful Me!’
But I digress.
Let me be bolder at this point. A lot of life’s negatives--to be honest--are NONE of my business. I didn’t cause them, I didn’t create them, and I sure can’t undo them. Once one hits the age of maturity, one becomes responsible for their OWN actions.
Brothers, there was a great saying from the Old School days: “Play the hand that you have been dealt, and always keep an ace up your sleeve.”
N.M.D:
Now, someone reading this is scratching their heads and saying to themselves: “Mike, how can YOU be so COLD? Don’t you CARE about people? Why, look at all the suffering going on around the community and the world?”
Sure I care about humanity. However, one biblical admonition holds that some circumstances, problems, and happenings I don’t need to ‘draw’ myself into--for the sake of my spiritual, mental, emotional, and financial health. If you are looking for a reference point, check out the Book of Proverbs. It also offers a few other points of wisdom:
*Don’t co-sign for nobody.
*Don’t give advice to fools.
*Don’t become ‘bait’ for mockers and scorners.
*Don’t hang out with criminals.
*For women--avoid lustful men.
*For men--avoid seductive women.
The bottom line of the Book of Proverbs is N.M.D. NO MORE DRAMA!
DRAMA A-GO-GO:
What IS drama? Drama can best be described as a situation, circumstance, happening or event that can be manipulated, shaped, or highlighted by any of a variety of means to force you to divert mental, emotional, or financial resources away from a primary objective into something that really doesn’t have a thing to do with one’s day to day living.
The perfect example? Those pesky emails that we ALL seem to get, from this or that person, trying to ‘seek’ our ‘help’ in moving ‘someone else’s money’ out of their country and into ours--for a ‘cut’ of the cash. Now, if someone REALLY had that kind of cash, WHY would they go public with that kind of news? It would make more sense (at least to me) to BUY the country they were living in and turn it around!
N.M.D.
Remember these letters the next time someone sends you one of those ‘delightful’ electronic communiqués.
BUT WAIT--THERE’S MORE:
Oh, I’ve still got a few more lines until this column is through.
How about all the energy we’ve spent discussing ‘this’ slight, or ‘that’ racial slur?
Sure. Waste your energy in getting upset. Write a letter to the editor. Stage a sit in or some other means of protest, if it will make you feel better. However, one of the cardinal rules of life--human beings sometimes put their foot (or feet) into their mouths.
N.M.D.
I can’t stop another person from acting a fool. And, I sure can’t rescue a person from his or her own ignorance, either intentional--or unintentional. The best way to fight racism--is success--NOT excuses, therapy, focus groups, or seminars. The best way to fight poor service is not with a lawsuit, but an economic blockade. Take your money and your patronage somewhere else, or, start your OWN Company!
When you come across a FOOL…saturate him or her with your absence!
An old African Proverb comes into play in these cases, provide to yours truly by author and commentator Tony Brown a few years ago.
“It’s not what you call me…but what I answer to!”
RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN PIT--AND GET YOUR OWN SHOVEL:
Brothers, we live in an age where the simple and clear-cut matters of life have been buried beneath a sea of programs, excuses, and social propaganda. Yes, I am going to list a few more examples. No, I am not going into detail--for the sake of space. However, one thing that an economic downturn, recession, or depression does to a nation is forces some people to toss the excuses over the side, and have to deal with the pit in which they find themselves.
Please note that I said ‘some’. Other folks LOVE to live--and camp out--in the land of denial, and do their best to massage your sympathy and live out of YOUR wallet (or purse for my female readers).
One such pit is labeled “Lack of Education”. IF a child makes the decision to disobey their parents and cut up at the school house--then drops out to run the streets--it may take a few years, but the following WILL take place: Employers are not impressed by dropouts! It is not MY fault that you did not listen to your teachers and professors the first time through. Get your shovel, backfill your OWN pit, and climb out WITH diploma, GED, or degree in hand and get to work like the rest of us!
N. M. D.
Another pit is labeled “Abdication of Responsibility”. Brother, I didn’t tell you to cheat on your wife. Sister, I didn’t tell you to run the streets and NOT marry “your baby’s Daddy!” NOW you want to put your finger in my face and lament--24/7--about why there are ‘no good women’ or ‘no good men’ on the social landscape and expect those of us who have good marriages, stable homes, and responsible children to subsidize your wrong choices via our tax money.
Get your shovel, backfill your OWN pit, and climb on out…because YOU made the choice.
N. M. D.
Lastly, there is a pit labeled “Unwillingness to Risk”. Oh, I could spend days on this one, but the bottom line is the following: IF one does not like the fact there are no businesses in your section of town to cater to the community, START one of your OWN, and stop bending our ear with the endless complaints. Until the time YOU are willing to roll up your sleeves and become a business OWNER, do your best as an EMPLOYEE wherever you are! Always remember: it is RARE that a lousy employee will be a successful employer!
This column may ‘read’ cruel and cold to some.
Others, though, might find some major league peace by closing the door on a lot of the drama that has been creeping into our households, our churches, and our places of employment.
There has been a severe drought of common sense on the social landscape.
All that this columnist is seeking to get across home plate is the fact that God gave us all a brain to use, twenty-four hours in a day, and enough sense to know right from wrong. If some folk want to send drama into your life, use the DELETE key of your mental faculties, and move on. Better yet…mark the package: “Return To Sender”.
You’ll be amazed at how much smoother the road of life will become.
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A monthly column, written for men, from a biblical, business, and common sense perspective.
The Manhood Line....July, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEY MEEKNESS--IS NOT WEAKNESS!Homosexual and Lesbian lobbyists have been quite busy in the brainwashing department for a number of years when it comes to television and movies. Last year, every major television show has at least one writer of that persuasion, and many of the same shows have at least one gay character written into the script--or had the subject ‘presented’ in a ‘sympathetic’ manner. Brothers, I’ve got news for you. It is going to be more of the same in television and movies this fall.
Well, what about the Internet? Surely this matter has been rendered ‘inert’ on the good ol’ cyberspace frontier. Not so. Go to many of your favorite major league websites.
Even the ones run to service the African American cyberspace community.
Yes, there is usually a block of threads set aside to ‘discuss’ this matter. In fact, some of these discussions spill over into the ‘main’ blocks of threads, as the matter is made more PC for public discourse.
Now, I’m not going to ‘soft soap’ this issue. Homosexuality is wrong, period.
I may be ‘hated’ and criticized for my stand. However, in the words of Bill Murray from the movie “Stripes”: “That’s the facts, Jack!” And, if you want to get biblical about it (which I do), there is the constant chatter about how God, through his limitless grace and mercy, will overlook this sin…or any other sin.
Let’s be for real.
If those practicing this ‘blight’ among men and women would bother to check out the ‘fine print’ of the Bible, especially in Romans, Chapter one, they would find something very interesting. If a person chooses to overlook God’s grace and mercy, the only thing that God has left to give them is His judgement. His judgement is seldom pretty, nor is it pleasant. Just do a study on what happened at Sodom and Gomorrah in the Old Testament to see if God has changed His mind.
A COURAGEOUS MAN NAMED STEVE:
What I have noticed among those who claim this ‘lifestyle’ is how intolerant they are towards those who used to partake in this life, but have ‘gone public’ with how they have exited the field, and are determined not to be a part of this ‘mindset’.
Brothers, the real mark of a man--or woman--is not how they handle themselves in the fields of sunshine and rainbows; but in the fields of storms and thunder. And brother, when a former homosexual decides to ‘break ranks’ there are HOWLS of protest!
Why?
Simply because they know their former group’s playbook. They know the ins, outs, and where all the bodies are buried--including those of the leadership.
Let me provide an example.
I read about a man named Steve who used to be into the homosexual lifestyle. By his public testimony, he had at least 100 different ‘sex partners’ over the course of his life. Many of his lovers, by Steve’s own admission, died from complications associated with AIDS. (By the way, there still is no cure for this disease).
Needless to say, each death made Steve do some serious thinking. Little by little, he found that the Bible stand against this lifestyle was true. He believed it, and accepted it. Then he repented of this lifestyle (repented meaning ‘turned fully away from it’), was set free by the power of Jesus Christ, and has gone on to marry a beautiful woman, and became the proud father of several children.
Now, one would think that, with all of the ‘cries’ of ‘free speech’ that we have here in the States, ol’ Steve would have an easy time of carrying his message of a better way to those whom he used to ‘hang’ with on a regular basis.
Nope. No such luck.
Not only was he--and does he--continue to be hounded by those in his former lifestyle; there ARE those in his ‘new life’ that treat him as a ‘suspect’. One who has not ‘fully’ come out of where he was.
Because he doesn’t ‘scream and holler’ against those in his former life, his stance of ‘meekness’ has been wrongly mistaken for ‘weakness’. Thus, he is perplexed by those on BOTH sides who scratch their heads over ‘why’ this man refuses be ‘typecast’.
MEEKNESS IS NOT WEAKNESS:
Nevertheless, Steve continues to point the way out to those who will listen.
Brothers, when God REALLY gets a hold of your life, meekness is no longer a sought-after commodity, but a desired byproduct. No longer does a man not have to ‘prove’ himself to society’s satisfaction or to the satisfaction to many of the Pharisees and Sanhedrin who infest some of our modern churches. That man can go on to being a better man by modeling his ‘liberation’, rather than focusing upon his ‘past life’.
Homosexuality does MORE than turning man into woman, and vice versa. No longer is a man guided by logic--but by feelings! In fact, if I may be so bold--Homosexuality is the best friend that feminists have ever had! It can--overnight--turn a man’s mental state from logic to feelings, and rob him of his ability to live in the freedom of his manhood.
USING RIGHTEOUSNESS INSTEAD OF A MICROPHONE:
Stop and think about this one--which I have observed at more than a few ‘Gay Pride’ marches that the mainstream media carries on television and in the papers. We see rows upon rows of men marching in the streets, proclaiming their ‘right’ to be ‘different’.
If these folk aren’t “Stuck On Stupid”, I don’t know of a better example!
To be blunt, a man doesn’t have to ‘scream and shout’ about being different. His meekness--his ability to impact by his character and actions--is what causes people to turn around and take notice of his message. They can SEE that his walk squares with his talk.
There is a commercial on our airwaves that has become a matter of great satire of late. A technician is on a cell phone, checking the ‘reach’ of his employer’s signal. He keeps saying: “Can you hear me, now?” As he moves from spot to spot. Satisfied with the quality of the reception, the technician says: “Good,” and moves on to another point in the field to continue his testing. Over the course of time, we see this guy crossing rivers; driving down the road; going from country-to-country. Always the same question/answer exchange. Pretty soon, you get the impression that this guy can pick up the signal anywhere in the world.
That’s the impression that the company WANTS you to remember.
The impression that I want to leave from this issue’s column is that I don’t have to ‘scream and shout’ my views on Homosexuality and Lesbianism. I know where I stand on these issues, and so do you. Either you agree, or disagree.
Of course, those who side with those involved in this ‘lifestyle’ will increase their shouting. They will continue to try to become more outlandish and stage even crazier antics. Adopting children and trying to ‘create’ families without women. Getting health care guaranteed for when they contact the diseases that plague this ‘lifestyle’ choice. “Heather Has Two Mommies”, and “Ronald Has Two Daddies”. Shedding their clothes for the cameras in an effort to protest about how much peace that the world needs.
Taking to the streets to ‘out’ people who don’t agree with them.
I’ll just smile, provide the logical alternatives, and rest secure in the manhood God has given me. You don’t agree with me? Fine. Take it up with management. I’m merely labor. No one has the strength or wisdom to delete what the Bible says about this issue, or any other issue.
I’ve put on the table. You get to choose in how you will deal with it.
Like the old folks used to say: “If you are an adult, you can do what you want--but don’t expect everyone to like what you do, nor expect me to subsidize your choices.”
Also, in the words of R. G. Lee: “There is a PAYDAY, SOMEDAY!”
Can you hear what is being said, now?
Mike Ramey is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A monthly, syndicated column written for men that appears on various Internet sites around the world.
The Manhood Line....June, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEY THE MENTOR DILEMMA--PART TWOIn bringing this second part of my two part commentary on mentoring to the table, let me reflect back to a few highlights of part one:
*Mentoring begins in the HOME. Parents are the FIRST mentors in an individual’s life. IF parents DO NOT parent--for whatever reason--it is going to be harder for any individual to accept the advice, counsel, and wisdom of other successful adults throughout their lifetime. They have no reference point.
*True mentoring DOES contain biblical counsel. If the mentor does not have a firm foundation in their OWN spiritual life--meaning that their walk has to square firmly with their talk--the advice they give CAN be suspect.
*The one being mentored has to realize that they must ACT on sound advice. If the person does not want to act on the truths given to them, the relationship is a waste of time. A mentor is only brought into a person’s life for a period of time. The individual and the mentor must eventually part ways, as the individual has to walk their own road.
MOVING ONWARD--WITH A WARNING:
Mentoring is not a biblical term, but a man-made creation. However, it is rooted in two very biblical concepts: disciple-making and shepherding. As I also mentioned in the first column, while there are many cases of men helping women, and women helping men in the scriptures, the bottom-line responsibility for ‘mentoring’ young men and young women rests with parents AND older men and older women, which is contained in the Book of Titus, Chapter Two.
Now, I do realize that there are a host of social programs scattered about society designed to bring mentors and students together. It seems that there are always people who need mentoring, but few mentors available. At the risk of offending those who are involved with these programs, let me throw a little reality into the mix.
Some social programs are not needed because they ‘duplicate’ existing relationships. True mentoring is going on all the time, without the sanction of focus groups, government programs, and social engineering. As a matter of fact, if I may be so bold, some social programs exist mainly to enrich those who RUN them. The more bodies that the program leaders and workers can reach; the better their statistics look at grant renewal time.
However the downside to this appears in THEIR OWN HOMES.
I know many a social worker, psychologist, or worship leader who has neglected the responsibility of raising their OWN kids, to help someone else. By the time they look back at their homes, their kids are pregnant, strung out on drugs, or locked up.
If one’s HOME is not in order, how can one ‘claim’ to be helping the community?
Even in the scriptures, one of the requirements for leadership is one need to have a stable home life.
I know that I’ve stepped on a few toes, and I’ll probably get some very interesting emails from those involved in such programs. But I would invite them to read me out before blasting away on their keyboards.
In the view of the late Russell Kelfer of DTM Ministries out of Texas, true mentoring takes place in a one on one, or one to a few setting. The mentor must have sufficient time--possibly a lifetime--to pour their knowledge and wisdom into an individual or select group of individuals. Mentors do not ‘punch a clock’.
GOING BACK IN TIME:
Some of today’s social program leaders probably don’t remember another ‘grand’ experiment that took place a few years ago in the arena of education. That being the removal of the Bible from the public education process.
A decade after that, corporal punishment along with teacher authority were quietly ushered out the door. A decade after that, parental authority was shown out the same doorway.
A decade after that…the first in-school shootings took place.
Instead of the social engineers admitting that they were wrong, and bringing everything back in, the talk of ‘school vouchers’ has taken center stage.
So much for the wisdom of those who design social programs.
As I mentioned in the first column, there are long-term mentors, and short-term mentors. Parents are the first mentors, and they would be classed as long-term.
When parents--married or single--are encouraged to do their jobs in the home, successful young people are a natural byproduct. No social program on earth can duplicate the love, care, and discipline of a parent.
There are also short-term mentors with long-term impact.
Teachers fall into this category. So do college professors and graduate assistants.
There is advice and counsel I have received from more than a handful of teachers and professors, which has--and continues--to serve me well as a ‘grown up’. The need for being punctual. The need to stand your ground when folks don’t agree with you. The movement into a profession or vocation that you are truly gifted to become a part. How to wait patiently should one find their career path blocked, or stopped by unplanned reversals. Having pride in your race and your people. An honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.
When teachers are given the chance and authority to do their jobs, success follows!
No social program on earth can successfully duplicate a dedicated educator.
PLENTY OF MENTORS--IN THE CHURCH:
If I may continue, no social program can replace the impact of being mentored by a church family. One can read about how the Christian life is TO be lived in the Bible (KJV). However, one can best LEARN the examples of biblical truth from men and women who have given their lives to Christ, and who are active members IN the local church!
As I mentioned before, part of the mentoring equation is spiritual.
One cannot neglect the spiritual in the mentoring process. Otherwise, you will have a severe shortfall in one’s knowledge pool.
*Male pastors teach, instruct, and lead younger male ministers.
*Older laymen teach, instruct and lead younger laymen.
*Older women teach, instruct and lead younger women.
*Older singles work with younger singles.
*Older married couples work with younger married couples.
Some of this work takes months--or even years--before sound fruit is harvested from the orchard of life. Now, I might not be the brightest bulb on the tree. However, it seems clear that there is success when the church is allowed to function as set down through clear, biblical instruction, without the aid, or intrusion of society, social programs, or focus groups.
TRUE MENTORS--NOT LIMITED BY SEX:
Before I get to the ‘meat’ of this month’s column, let me toss this in as well. Husbands CAN mentor wives, and vice versa! In fact, men CAN mentor women, and women CAN mentor men, in what could be called those ‘clutch’ situations.
Paul was mentored for a season by Aquilla and Priscilla, an upright (not uptight) husband and wife. King David was mentored by Abigail. In short, brothers, IF the Lord sends a wise woman across your path, listen and act upon her wisdom.
Now, let me break this down for better consumption.
Brothers, a truly wise woman CAN come across your path with sound advice, counsel, and wisdom. Listen to what she has to say, because she can save you from needless pain and suffering. The same can be said about a wise brother coming across the path of a needy woman with sound advice, counsel, and wisdom.
Women know WOMEN! Men know MEN!
To the sisters who read my column: IF a brother tells you to ‘stay away’ from a man who may have ‘captured your fancy’, I would LISTEN to him, and act upon it! There are a HOST of upright, brave, and wise women out on the horizon who have the ‘chops’ to tell it like it is! My wife is at the HEAD of my ‘short list’ of advisors.
Nuff Said!
THE DUTY OF A MENTOR:
According to Kelfer, here are a few items--from the scriptures--that a mentor MUST do in order to be considered successful. I’ll be happy to paraphrase them:
*A willingness to let the person being mentored GO. Meaning that the mentor’s job ends when it is time to let that individual go out and DO what they have been trained to do. (Example: Moses and Joshua).
*A willingness to provide biblical TRUTH. Sure, war stories are nice…but training someone else to fight life’s battles on their own is the main objective. The person being mentored is NOT a carbon copy of the mentor; but has been carefully taught the truth of what they will be facing in life. (Example: Mordicai and Esther).
*Modeling of an upright and uncompromising life. One cannot mentor via long distance. A mentor has to let individuals IN CLOSE for not only instruction, but also up-close observation. It is one thing to tell someone how to handle something. It is another to let them SEE how YOU handle the matter you are trying to convey. (Example: Barnabas and Paul).
*Modeling of character in the face of adversity. This is where the rubber meets the road. How the mentor handles disappointment, tragedy, loss, reversal, and loneliness is the fuel that gives the one being mentored the strength to go on. (Example: Naomi and Ruth).
*Correction and encouragement are two sides of the same coin. If you spot bad behavior, the mentor has a duty to let their charge know about it, and call them on it. On the other side of the coin, don’t make the load on your charge so heavy that they are in a hurry to drop it, and get away from you. (Naomi to Ruth as Boaz comes into view).
THE DUTY OF ONE BEING MENTORED:
Some, but not all of the following items come from the book ‘Smart Moves’ by Lyle Sussman and Sam Deep. The duo also wrote ‘Smart Moves for People in Charge’ and ‘Yes, You Can’. All three books are a part of my library. I will also paraphrase some of their thoughts:
*Loyalty. A person being mentored cannot afford to harbor a spirit of ingratitude towards their mentor. They also cannot give in to ‘gossip’ or ‘innuendo’ that happens to surface about their mentor, especially IF the mentor happens to be of the opposite sex.
*Professionalism. A person being mentored must keep the relationship above board, and be aware that the mentor also has their own responsibilities and tasks to perform.
*Punctuality and Observation. Be on time, or have the flexibility of time when your mentor is going to show you something, or teach you how to do something. Sometimes, a mentor may call you in for a ‘session’ before or after working hours.
*Respect. At all times, respect your elders who are taking the time to train you. The times may change, but ‘Old School’ rules concerning respect NEVER change, nor go out of style.
*Reflection. Take the time to ‘chew on’ what you have been taught. It may come in large chunks, or small portions. The biblical admonition: Write it down and make it plain so that you truly grasp what you have been taught.
*Gratitude. Always take the time to thank those who have helped you ‘grow up’ and mature. They didn’t have to invest time in you; they did it because they saw something in you that inspired them to get involved with your life.
*Becoming a mentor. Eventually, you will have the opportunity to ‘pass on’ what you have learned to another individual or small, select group of individuals. Don’t hesitate when the chance comes. Take the time to charge, encourage, and strengthen a young person coming up behind you. After all--someone took a chance on you!
ANOTHER TERM FOR MENTORING:
Hopefully, these columns have shed a little light on the topic. However, I did want to save the best for last, as we head for a close in our time together this month. I will sum it up in one statement: True mentors are legacy builders.
What good does it do for a successful man or woman, be they parent, teacher, or businessman to keep their ‘secrets of success’ with them when they go to the grave? Part of our modern day problem rests in the need to match example and training with information. We have far too much information, and far too few people either willing to break it down for easier consumption, or learn what the information means through one-on-one experience.
Brothers, a mentor is NOT going to chase you down and attempt to share their wisdom with you. One has to be ready to be ‘found’, and willing to learn. It begins with the right attitude, and the humility to admit that there are few things that you need to learn along this road we call Real Life. By the same token, those mentors who are ready to teach need to ‘step out’ and pour that wisdom sorely needed in our modern day.
As I mentioned before--mentoring starts in the home, and spreads outward into society. Society cannot dictate to the home. Real mentors come from the home, and impact the school, the church, and then society. One person at a time.
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A monthly, syndicated column written for men from a biblical, business, and common sense perspective. The column appears on fine websites throughout the world. Emails welcome to manhoodline@yahoo.com. ©2003 Mike Ramey/Barnstorm Communications International (2).
The Manhood Line....June, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEY THE MENTOR DILEMMA--PART ONEI never thought that I would be writing a two-part commentary on the subject of mentoring. After all, one would think that this subject needs little in the way of comment, or introduction. In talking with friends, and checking various business publications over the months and years, I have found quite a lot written and spoken about mentoring.
It would seem that the well had ‘run dry’ on this subject.
However, two things have turned up as blips on the social radar screen:
*It seems that there are STILL a host of individuals and groups are ‘seeking’ mentors for themselves, or for other parties--be they young people, or people new to a particular vocation or field--without true insight as to the role/definition of a mentor.
*There is a new, younger generation of brothers rising into the manhood ranks. Some of them coming from single-parent homes. Still others coming into to the spotlight of adulthood from some horrible experiences. Others are already out of college or university and making their way along the road of life, looking for a helping hand.
Thus the need to cover the issue of mentoring. For some, this might be old territory. For others, it may be the first time that the subject has been broken down for better consumption and understanding.
Brothers, allow me to get to the bottom line of this commentary in rapid fashion.
If you don’t walk away from this two-parter with anything else, please remember this: One cannot BE mentored IF they are not WILLING to listen AND act upon good, sound, and sometimes biblical advice.
Oh yes, make no mistake about it. While the term is not found in the Bible, the concept of mentoring IS clearly illustrated. However, it is better known as disciple-making, or shepherding. One could even liken it to building a legacy. In reality, one cannot ‘leave out’ the spiritual when dealing with the leading of young men and young women into a better understanding of their duties and responsibilities as adults--be they in the home, or in the workplace.
THE ‘TALK BACK’ CROWD:
THIS--in a nutshell--is why there is a dilemma in the mentoring process in my view: The neglect of the spiritual in order to achieve ‘results’ ONLY from a social viewpoint. One cannot be a successful ‘mentor’ without having a spiritual foundation. Neither can one ‘be mentored’ in a successful fashion WITHOUT biblical instruction.
I’ll get some nasty emails on the ‘deliberate insertion’ of biblical thought into a man-made concept. However, IF the truth be told, perhaps this is why mentoring has not had the desired ‘long term’ effects that this ‘buzzword’ has sought.
There is another reason: The social monstrosity known as the ‘talk back’ crowd.
Who wants to ‘attempt’ to mentor someone who is so wrapped up in their own clothing of bitterness, arrogance, and pride they won’t listen to sound advice?
Check it: We live in a modern age where it is considered ‘cool’ to ‘talk back’ to those in positions of authority.
Sadly, people do it all the time.
We see the talk back crowd on TV reality shows, as so-called ‘wise’ individuals get their kicks yelling and fussing at everyone from parents on up to police officers, judges, teachers, and politicians. We read about lawsuits filed against members of the clergy. We hear about fistfights breaking out between neighbors, shootings and stabbings happening between husbands and wives, and employees ‘giving a piece of their minds’ to employers--sometimes with the aid of a gun or assault weapon.
We are living in an age where the term ‘respect’ has gone out the window.
If one truly wants to be mentored--one has to have RESPECT for those who are doing the task of mentoring. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time--on both sides.
SOME WISDOM FROM THE PAST:
Years ago, there was a speaker by the name of Don Loney who made the rounds of many a school. This man was sharp, articulate, and on point concerning the world of teens growing up in the turbulent Sixties.
Loney once made some observations as to what habits would ‘kill’ a teenager’s ability to grow into a successful adult. I’m more than happy to share his observations here, and add a few more items for better understanding:
*The Late Habit. Simply stated, if a teen cannot get to class on time, they will REALLY have problems in getting to work on time in the real world. Punctuality is a virtue, not a liability.
*The ‘I Won’t Sweat It’ Habit. Simply stated, if a teen does not have a drive to be successful, they will be stuck in the ranks of being average--by their own choice. Brothers, there are too many young men who are content to merely ‘exist’ and not ‘grow’ in our modern times. One problem I have noticed among young men and young women is that there is a mistaken impression that the world ‘owes’ them something because they merely ‘show up’ to the classroom or the job. Let me be the first to ‘school’ someone about Real Life 101. ‘Showing up’ does not make one a willing participant in the learning or employment process. What one DOES after they arrive WILL determine their ability to succeed.
*The ‘I Quit’ Habit. Simply stated, if an individual does NOT get their way, they merely decide to quit, and go off by themselves, cursing those who ‘attempted’ to show them the right way to go in life.
Here are two other habits that have come into play in our modern era.
*The ‘Step Off’ Habit. Simply stated, this is where some adults and teens feel they can ‘kick’ a mentor to the curb with all the style and grace of a freight train. The mentor can provide sound advice, and wise counsel--but the ‘recipient’ is not looking for mentoring, they are really looking for someone to agree that they are right and everyone else is wrong. As long as they can ‘win’ the argument, these individuals feel that they have ‘bested’ the mentor.
*The ‘Keeping It Real’ Habit. Simply stated, and based upon our current era, those who claim to want to be mentored, will try their best to persuade the mentor that the mentor is not being ‘real’ if they put forth items such as proper speech, proper dress, and social graces needed for one to succeed. If one has not learned to say ‘thank you’, let alone have the humility to ask for help when they need it, they are NOT going to be a willing participant in the mentoring process.
Frankly, if a person is not appreciative of my taking time from my schedule to help them to be all they can, and be successful, as a mentor, I will be MORE than happy to move on and find someone who WILL heed my advice. No, I am not saying that I am ‘all that’, but what I am saying is that a true mentor does not have the time to have to prove themselves to a person who ‘claims’ to want to be mentored.
A ‘REAL’ EXAMINATION:
People WANT to be mentored--but on their own terms.
True mentoring does NOT work that way!
The downside of mentoring in our modern age is that the person being mentored oftentimes does NOT willingly receive, nor act upon the advice and/or wisdom they are given. THEN they ‘blame’ the mentor for the advice and counsel given.
Brothers, let’s examine what a mentor CAN and CAN NOT do:
*A mentor CAN NOT undo your past, but CAN point you in the right direction.
*Mentors CAN NOT fight your battles, but CAN teach you what you need to do to fight your own battles.
*Mentors CAN NOT change your ‘funky’ attitude, but CAN give you the tools to check yourself out in your own personal mirror.
*A mentor CAN NOT tell you only the good things, but CAN share the good and the bad about your abilities to help you correct shortcomings.
WHAT IS A MENTOR?
My own definition of a mentor is an older person--oftentimes of the same sex-- who will serve to guide, to teach, and to equip you to succeed at a particular stage in your life--and will let you go on to be successful. It may not be a ‘by the book’ definition, but one based upon my personal reflection, observation and experience.
*A mentor is NOT a personal or verbal punching bag.
*A mentor is NOT a person to be disrespected.
*A mentor is NOT a person whom YOU seek--they seek YOU!
*A mentor is NOT an ATM that you may tap at will.
*A mentor is NOT a person who will always tell you that you are right.
Now there are two types of mentors: those of the long-term variety, and those of the short-term variety. In order to make my point, we have to head back to the institution of the family.
You see--the FIRST mentors are your PARENTS. They are what could best be described as mentors of the long term. It doesn’t matter if one comes from a two parent or single parent home. The wisdom, instruction, love and understanding your parents supply to you serve as the foundation as to how well, or poorly, you will get along with other people. If a child grows up unwilling to accept the advice of their mother or father, it will be harder for them along the path of life, when they eventually DO meet other successful people who want to help them achieve.
Of course, part of the reason why the mentoring process has become stale and unappealing to many rests in the fact that the home, marriage, and parenting have been pushed aside for ‘social programs’. Moses received valuable instruction in leadership from his father-in-law, Jethro. In turn, Moses was able to teach, lead and train Joshua. Joshua, in turn, was able to lead the people into the Promised Land.
There wasn’t a social program in sight.
Then, there is another reason why mentoring has hit upon hard times.
While there are many cases of men helping women, and women helping men in the scriptures, the bottom-line responsibility for ‘mentoring’ young men and young women rests with parents AND older men and older women, which is contained in the Book of Titus, Chapter Two.
We’ll take ten right here…but be back for more, very soon.
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A syndicated column, written from a biblical, business, and common sense perspective. The column appears on fine websites around the world. Emails are always welcome to manhoodline@yahoo.com. © 2003 Mike Ramey/Barnstorm Communications International (1).
The Manhood Line....April, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEY GRADUATION DAY--IIIGRADUATION DAY--III
Brothers, you know what time it is.
From the outset, let me sent this greeting out to the graduates of our nation--be they holders of high school diplomas, or college/university degrees.
They get an annual tip of the hat from this columnist for a job well done.
Sure, I’d like to be there in person, standing on the platform as many of our younger brothers receive their diplomas and/or degrees.
Maybe one day, I’ll be able to deliver this speech in person.
However, thanks to the march of modern technology, my remarks will sail into the realm of the Internet and into the hands of many a praying parent or relative, who will--out of the kindness of their hearts, and concern for your future--pass it on to you.
THE UPDATED RAMEY COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS:
“Congratulations, young men! You have made it! You, along with your female classmates, have succeeded in your efforts to grab the down payment on life--that diploma or degree.
Now, from the parents in the house, I’d like to remind the graduates of our dual-pronged mantra: ‘Know who God is AND get your EDUCATION!’ Yes, the ‘parental death penalty’ threat has been lifted--because you have succeeded! You have fixed your gaze on the objective, and have reached it.
You have ‘climbed’ the mountain.
However.
As you look across the valley, you see yet another series of mountains which you young brothers are going to have to climb.
Those mountains are the mountains of real life.
On behalf of your parents, your pastors and church leadership, and on behalf of some of us ‘gray headed Old Schoolers’, I’d like to spend just a few moments to let you know the names of some of those mountains you are going to have to face--and conquer!
THE FIRST MOUNTAIN--DISCOURAGEMENT:
For you young brothers, the first hill that you will have to climb is called Discouragement. It’s a slippery one to climb, as some of the terrain seems to constantly change from one year to the next. That sheepskin in your pocket is your down payment on what your have mastered in the classroom.
It is NOT a down payment on what you have yet to master in life.
To climb this mountain is going to take courage, my young brothers. It is going to mean that you will have to learn how to say NO to feeling sorry for yourself, and be willing to back up your words with actions wherever, and whenever life hands you the short end of the stick. To climb this mountain is going to mean that you will have to know with whom to associate, to whom you can relate, and from whom you will have to RUN!
One of the lessons I have learned from life, I pass freely on to you. People can spot greatness in you, oftentimes faster than you can spot greatness in yourself. On the other side of the coin, many of those who can spot greatness in you may be among the first one to try to grind it out of you with discouraging words, caustic comments, and negative talk.
Shake off the negative, and keep you eyes fixed on the climb. Not only is the objective to make it to the other side of the mountain; you must also provide aid and comfort to those other souls who will be coming up after you. Remember the words of the immortal Mark Twain: I can go three months on a compliment!
After the graduation ceremony is over today, many of you will make it over to the campus bookstore--for the last time--to trade in your books. I would urge you to invest some of what you get back into yet another book, entitled: ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ by John Bunyan. Yes, it was written a few centuries ago. However, the messages contained within this book are priceless and will help you overcome Discouragement Mountain--with style.
THE SECOND MOUNTAIN--LOVE:
Oh, some of you may ‘think’ that you know a thing or two about the ‘opposite sex’. However, let an Old Schooler hip you on two things about women. The first: Any man that brags about the number of conquests he has had is NOT a man, but a child who is big for his age. The second: Any man who says that they know all there is to know about women is a LIAR.
LOVE is not LUST with a different spelling.
My young brothers, you will have to understand not only the difference between the two; you will have to determine in yourselves that you won’t fall for each and every set of pretty eyelashes that are batted your way!
Love Mountain has other names: The mountain of self-control; the mountain of physical purity; the mountain of delayed gratification or the mountain of self-contentment. Be advised--if you CAN NOT control yourself around members of the opposite sex, you will not only compromise your manhood; you will eventually be scarred by an STD (sexually transmitted disease), or the business end of a 9mm pistol!
Men and women are different, contrary to what the feminized mainstream press and Hollywood may put forth. A man is stimulated by what he SEES, and a woman is stimulated by what she HEARS. My young brothers, you are adults in age, but not in experience. To climb Love Mountain means that you will have to HOLD OUT for the right woman to become your WIFE for LIFE.
Yes, I know divorce has been rampant in our modern society. Yes I have heard the excuses from both young men and young women for the need to get their roll on. Yes, I have seen the reports, read the studies, and heard the rap. However, the ultimate objective in climbing and conquering Love Mountain is to realize that your future wife is waiting for you on the other side. If you ARE right, and STAY right, then you will know how to CHOOSE right. You--and she--will live happily ever after because you took the time to WAIT.
The best thing to wake up with in the morning--is a clear conscience.
Don’t bed--until you WED!
Can I get an AMEN from the parents in the house?
THE LAST MOUNTAIN--GOOD RELIGION:
Now, I know that this next mountain is going to cause a bit of controversy because some believe that it is a forbidden subject. The subject of TRUE spiritual satisfaction. This mountain also has a variety of names, ranging from the New Age to Reincarnation.
Your time in this institution of higher learning has led you to many different paths in the discovery of ‘religion’. However, let me state for the record that I am a Christian, and I am NOT ashamed to bend my knee and call on the Lord in prayer. I’ve seen the rest; but God still has the best in mind for those who belong to Him, and call upon His name.
I’d like to remind the brothers in the house that it wasn’t that long ago in American History that African Americans were FORBIDDEN to learn how to read and write. The men and women who were brave enough to teach our fore parents how to uncover the mysteries of the English language did so at great cost. Some of them sacrificed their lives in order to teach us how to read and write.
Do you know what book our fore parents wanted to master? Do you want to know the first book that was in many a home library? The KJV. The B-I-B-L-E.
Many of you brothers come to college from cities and towns that have strong churches. There were people praying for your success, and that diploma or degree represents an answer to their prayers. Out of a sense of duty to your people, and reverence for those who prayed for you, I would urge you to say THANK YOU by taking the climb up that Mountain. You will discover that Jesus Christ has already made the climb, and is merely awaiting your decision to join Him in the journeys of life.
Yes, this particular mountain is going to be the hardest to climb. Not everyone is going to be glad to acknowledge that you have made the climb, if you decide to trek out for it. Fewer still are going to applaud your efforts in making it up the steep grade, and the rocky soil of this world. As a matter of fact, there ARE those who are going to challenge your climb up this particular mountain, saying that the Christian ‘religion’ is a white man’s religion.
They are wrong, wrong, WRONG!
Christianity is NOT a religion, but a firm RELATIONSHIP with God, the one who created the universe, allowed your heart to beat, and your lungs to fill with air. You are NOT an accident; but are on time by DESIGN.
Trust me on this one, my young brothers, as it comes right from the KJV Bible: “I was once young, but now I am old. I have never seen the righteous forsaken, nor their seed begging bread.”
Once upon a time, each of us here on this platform has sat in your seats, awaiting our sheepskins. There used to be a time when the local Pastor or preacher would be making the commencement remarks. These days, people tend to ‘push’ God’s people out, and usher everyone else in with their ‘words of wisdom’. Let me bring you this note of encouragement as I bring my Graduation address to a close. The only way you will get to know God is to study His word for yourself. And, thank God that you live in a nation where you can still seek Him. The events of 9/11 should underscore, in a very powerful fashion how precious our religious liberty is in the United States of America. America may not be all that she can be; but she is a lot better than the nations without God, who are in second, third, or fourth place.
It is up to YOU, my graduating brothers to help America be all that she can be, by being all that YOU can be!
Now, God Bless you, and go forth to do exploits that will remind the world who you are--blessed of God.
Thank you, put your shoes back on, and have a great life!”
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A monthly, syndicated column written for men, from a biblical, business, and common sense perspective. Emails welcome to manhoodline@yahoo.com. ©2003 Mike Ramey/Barnstorm Communications International (12).
The Manhood Line....January, 2003 Column (TM)
BY MIKE RAMEY THE BROTHERHOOD WARNING SERVICE!Brothers, you might want to sit down to read this month’s column. Get a cup of your favorite beverage, put out the cat, turn off the tube and put your calls on hold.
We’re going to talk about women.
Before you think I’ve gone over to the PC side, let me complete my statement.
We’re going to talk about women you should avoid like the plague.
And, you may want to copy this column and pass it on to your son--and their friends. There are younger--and older--versions of these sisters out there, setting a trap for them.
A few months back while surfing the web, I noticed that a few women’s websites had what I could best describe as a ‘shun’ section. The first names of various men were mentioned and their ‘alleged misdeeds’ were posted for the world to see. The sisters chuckled amongst themselves on line as to their cleverness in warning other women against these ‘so called losers’ on the dating scene. Never mind the fact that we only had their word to go on as to what these brothers ‘allegedly’ did to cause them such suffering.
But, I digress.
I thought about this matter for a while, and went back to the Bible for a response.
I landed squarely in the Book of Proverbs.
Now, Solomon, who wrote much of this ancient, but powerful section of the Old Testament, did not ‘mince’ words about the types of women that existed even in HIS day and time. Brothers, while the times and fashions may have changed, the number of dangerous women in society has not decreased. In fact, thanks to feminism, their numbers have grown, multiplied, and are regularly seen on TV and the silver screen.
Wake up--because YOU could be their next conquest!
Many of us are familiar with Joseph, and his troubles. Potiphar’s wife pursued this ‘good looking brother’ day after day, begging him to ‘bed her down’. Day after day, Joseph firmly, but politely refused.
Well, Mrs. Potiphar got tired of asking, and resorted to taking in order to get her itch scratched. Joseph ran as fast as he could away from this adulteress. The brother ran RIGHT out of his clothing to beat feet away from this seductive, married sister.
What did Mrs. Potiphar do when Joseph ran? Accused him of rape.
Now, it turns out that Mrs. Potiphar had some kin-- some female cousins exposed in great detail by Solomon, a king who had 700 wives and 300 concubines. As any brother knows, having one woman is work. Having more than one woman--especially IF you are married--is a prescription for a straight jacket and LOTS of medication.
Adultery is NOT cool.
But, I digress again.
Brothers, it’s not enough to name names. We’re going to name types. Once you can see the ‘warning signs’ of the types, the name of the woman is just a fill-in-the-blank process. Furthermore, once you spot the type, RUN--do NOT walk--to the nearest exit for the sake of your spiritual, mental, financial, and emotional health!
Let me also mention that the women who fall into these types, for the most part, are VERY attractive. However, brothers, you have to look past the ‘packaging’ and get to the contents of the package if you are truly interested in finding a woman of quality--which these women are not!
TYPE ONE: THE FOOLISH WOMAN
Let’s turn the key and activate the BWS--the Brotherhood Warning Service.
Be advised…I’m not listing these types of women in any particular order.
Let’s begin our time together with the foolish woman.
Oh, I could write volumes about this sister. Devoid of common sense, she views the world through rose colored glasses, and carries a five gallon can of gasoline to start fires that the best of fire departments could never bring under control. Some of these sisters hunt for men on their jobs, and in their churches. To make matters even worse, some of these women are MARRIED, and have their husbands questioning their own sanity for proposing to them in the first place.
On this type of woman’s forehead is stamped: ‘Stuck On Stupid’. She will pick fights in the ‘name’ of whatever is socially acceptable. Her lot in life is to ‘point the finger’ at those men who are on their way up in life, and accuse them of being ‘insensitive’ to the plight of ‘womynhood’. All the while, she is scheming for a way to use her innocence to bait her hook for a man who will buy in to her lack of understanding.
If you have a woman like this on your arm, you’d best be prepared to do a lot of explaining as to how the real world works. This sister hasn’t grown up, and doesn’t intend to. While she may have a job, she may have you paying her bills.
TYPE TWO: THE LEWD WOMAN
Now, this particular woman is the type that goes in for letting it ‘all’ hang out--regardless of the weather. The warmer the weather, the better the show. While she may go to ‘church’, and has been going for years, she is a constant irritant to the congregation, with her brand of ‘off the shoulder’ wear.
The lewd woman can change her speaking patterns to ‘mask’ her approach, whether she is in the office, or in the church. However, when the talk turns to sex (and, she usually turns the talk to sex), her real personality shows through and through. This woman is best at home in a bar, a club, or any place where alcohol is served. This woman is the cause for many office parties ending in fights and hurt feelings. She may ‘claim’ that the ‘drink’ caused her to let her hair down--but she really doesn’t need an excuse to ‘act out’ in any social setting.
Don’t let her appearance fool you. She may be wearing blue jeans or a designer gown. Sadly, marriage won’t make this sister a better woman. It merely provides her with a cover of legitimacy that allows her to continue her activities. If she has kids, expect to see them on the covers of magazines, or in your local juvenile hall.
If this sister is on your job, best be prepared to make sure that you can account for your actions, because she likes to ‘hit the lottery’ on sexual harassment lawsuits. You could be her next victim. So could your company.
TYPE THREE: THE WHORISH WOMAN
This woman knows that her physical beauty is her primary asset. However, it is also a source of her problems, as she anxiously will ‘hire’ herself out to any man she may desire. Some of these sisters are married, but carry themselves as if they aren’t…which makes them all the more dangerous to the male population.
This is the type of woman from which Joseph had to flee for his very life.
This is the type of woman our mothers, sisters, and wives, have warned us about.
Let me give you another clue. Not all of these women can be found in the inner cities. Many more of them exist in the suburbs, in rural areas, and in the wealthiest of neighborhoods. Nor do they dress the same. Nor do they speak the same. But, their ‘bottom line’ is the same! YOU are their bottom line!
Yes, there have been other women who have tried to pull this sister off to the side and have a little ‘Proverbs 31’ consultation, but this woman just won’t get the hint. Her conversation--to the target of her desire--can be ‘smooth and creamy’. She knows what to say, and how to say, in order to get what she wants: another conquest in the bedroom.
On the job, she may even have Bible verses pasted on her desk, or her wall. Thus, she is very capable of being ‘bibli-lingual’ when it suits her purposes.
This sister has caused a number of men to fall. Do the names of Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson ring a bell? You can bet your hat on the fact that the whorish woman has been in the game for a long time, and learned well the lessons of her mother.
Remember that Jezebel and Delilah had mothers. They didn’t pick their ways up by osmosis, or from sex education classes. They came out the womb ready to do one thing. Hopefully, YOU won’t be their one thing! Read the Book of Hosea to see further about my description.
Oh yes, lest I forget. Don’t believe her when she says: “I won’t tell”. She’s running audio and video on all your little ‘rendezvous’. The copies WILL come out, usually on the front page, or in the hands of more than a few detectives!
TYPE FOUR: THE EVIL WOMAN
This last type is--perhaps--the deadliest of the female sex. She gives life to the term ‘Black Widow’. This sister usually likes to be married to a man of means and power so she can use his power to achieve her goals. The marriage of Ahab and Jezebel (weak man/strong woman) is a very real reminder of how this woman operates.
Now, there are women who fall into this category type who are not married. However, the wedding band gives them the freedom to plot and scheme as to which man and which institution to destroy. This woman goes to church not to seek Jesus Christ, but to seek ways to destroy the church--especially IF the church is on fire for God.
And, heaven help the church if this woman has a clerical collar, or is in some type of church leadership role. She’ll turn all the women against their husbands, and sit back and laugh at the divorces filed, and the homes destroyed.
Don’t be fooled, and don’t underestimate her. She can ply her wiles to the max, knows when to use the tears and the ‘oil and honey’ tones to lure a man into her trap. She is well educated, well dressed, and well financed. Race doesn’t matter, as she can cross the color line as easily as folks can cross the street. She will likely have a career, and have her children in private schools, sheltered from her activities. This gives the ‘illusion’ that she is alone.
By the way, this woman is not above delving into magic, witchcraft, or any one of the other evil arts to put her ‘spell’ on you. She has an intense hatred of men, and feels that it is her duty to bring them down.
This particular sister is so dangerous that in her younger years she modeled for the skull and cross bones design on many poisons. She will, in fact, poison a man’s friends against him, cut him off from his family and friends, and eventually bleed him dry. In the end, it matters not to her who suffers--as long as she gets what she wants.
BUT THERE ARE GOOD WOMEN OUT THERE
Brothers, the BWS is now ended. You now know the types, and the risks associated with each one. However, let me end my column on an upbeat note.
There are quality women out there. Women of character and moral standards. Women who will bring out the best of a man, whether he is up, or down. Women who will ‘Stand By Their Man’, through thick and thin. Women who will encourage your growth as a man, both inside--and outside--of the church. Women who won’t make fun of your ambitions, dreams, and life goals even if she is successful in her own career.
She knows where home is, and is not ashamed of being a wife and mother.
Let me also add this. Brothers, there are more of them out there than we had previously thought. Many of THEM are tired of the antics of their foolish, lewd, whorish, and evil sisters, and they are FINALLY kicking them to the curb! Many of THEM have FINALLY realized that BAD women make things bad for GOOD women. Many good women have been silent. Based on my mail, some sisters are doing some major-league clean up, and finding their backbones. They have realized that the bad sisters have been hijacking the good brothers. The good sisters--like the good brothers--are throwing the bad folk over the side.
Yes, The Book of Proverbs points out the worst types of sisters. However, at the end of the book, in Proverbs 31, you will find the real woman that you should be seeking. At the end of the book, there is good news. That’s the woman whom YOU need by your side.
Brothers, its simple. Bypass the four types bad types of womanhood, and give your attention to the Proverbs 31 woman. Believe me--WHEN you find her--you’ll know the next step is to get the ring, preacher, and church ready. She’s a KEEPER!
And the brotherhood said: AMEN!
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A monthly, syndicated column written for men, from the biblical, business, and common sense perspective. Emails welcome to manhoodline@yahoo.com. ©2003 Mike Ramey/Barnstorm Communications International. (9)
PROTECTING THE GOOD BROTHERS
PROTECTING THE GOOD BROTHERS
With Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching, and the June wedding season not that far in the distance, I wanted to do my bit for romance by providing some hope for the single women in the house.
Sisters--there are PLENTY of Righteous Black Single Men (RBSMs) in America--if you would let them FIND you. However, some of you have moved, without leaving a forwarding address. As a matter of fact, some of you have moved, and kept on stepping so often that not even God can find you, with your blessing!
Brothers, let me say up front. Marriage is NOT for everyone. If you are NOT prepared mentally, economically, socially, spiritually and emotionally to commit to one woman, for life (including the weekends), then DON’T even think about marriage.
However, sisters…there are plenty of RBSMs out in society.
*Brothers who are not ‘thugs, dogs, and drug dealers’.
*Brothers who won’t call you names, or clean out your purse.
*Brothers who are filling their minds with an education.
*Brothers who are working at legitimate jobs.
*Brothers who are NOT hanging out at the club, jail, or on the corner.
*Brothers who MAY have kids to raise by themselves.
*Brothers who WILL NOT mistreat, beat, or cheat you.
*Brothers who ARE in church, in the Bible, and in their right minds.
*Brothers who believe in an honest days work for an honest days pay.
*Brothers who don’t have an agenda.
*Brothers who practice what they preach.
*Brothers who are wondering where YOU are.
This column is to show that the married brotherhood has known for a LONG time that they do exist. Married brothers KNOW where they are. Try asking us--and our wives--before you go on some talk show, or pick up the latest ‘rant’ about ‘they don’t exist’.
But, we won’t be talking until SOME of you wise up, shape up, and grow up.
RBSMs--A GUARDED SECRET BY THE MARRIED:
In the world of business, a man (or woman) has got to be careful to whom they provide a job recommendation. If a recommendation is given to a person who is not ‘all that they claim to be’, it makes the giver look bad. Thus, I am very careful whom I recommend for any employment venture, or business opportunity.
I won’t co-sign for those whom I know are NOT on the ‘up and up’.
The same can be said about the relationship arena. Married brothers WILL NOT give some single brothers a recommendation on some single sisters because many of us KNOW how you act around us--and our wives. As a matter of fact, if I may be so bold, many of our wives are the ones who are asking us to keep quiet. THEY know how you act as well.
Just as a man can’t con another man, a woman can’t con another woman.
Let me be more on the bold line. My sons were not raised to be around, nor date, nor marry ‘hood rats’. My daughter was not raised to be a ‘hood rat’. If I and my wife, set that standard for our flesh and blood, what makes you think I--or my wife--are going to give a RBSM an invitation to a relationship nightmare?
Not me, nor my house!
Sometimes, single women are their own worst enemies when it comes to relationships. Some of them are too quick to open their legs, and close their minds. Some don’t know when to turn off their gossip machines. Some wind up in jail, and call on their married sisters to help them out with bail, or drug rehab money. Some want their married sisters to ‘baby-sit’ for them, while they hit the club and the strip. Some of them are attracted to the worst possible brothers, expecting to ‘rescue’ them from their life of crime, drugs, or abuse.
No, NOT all brothers are perfect. But, if my single sisters want to know where the RBSMs are, let me provide just a friendly warning. I won’t be talking…neither will the married brotherhood…unless and until some of you prove yourselves to us--and our wives.
MIKE’S SHORT LIST:
Lest some of you think I’m being cruel, let’s go back to Business 101.
In order to get a bank loan, a client has to ‘prove’ himself or herself to a banker.
In order to get a home, a client has to ‘prove’ himself or herself to a realtor.
In order to become an ‘active’ member of a church, one must ‘prove’ themselves to be of the faith, not of a clique or a club.
Here is my Declaration of Marriage Recommendation Independence. The married in this country need to start holding both single brothers and sisters to a higher standard! If you know a single female, my married brothers and sisters, who wants the 4-1-1 on a single brother you may know--check HER out like your 401-K!
No information--without sanctification!
Oh, I’m going to get some email on THIS! But it’s true, true, true. Married folks, WE have been letting out too much, and demanding too little. This has got to stop, for the sake of protecting the institution of marriage that we ‘claim’ to support.
What kind of proof should the married brotherhood--and their wives--start to require before we introduce some single women to some RBSMs? What is the standard we should hold them to?
I’ve got my short list at the ready:
*PROOF OF AN UPRIGHT LIFE: Single sister, IF you ARE drinking, drugging, chasing, and scooting around after hours, why is a married brother and his wife going to ‘tell you’ about the RBSMs whom they know?
*PROOF OF LISTENING: My married sisters know this one all too well, and so do some of us married men. If you won’t listen to us in the little things about finance, employment, reproduction responsibility, biblical truth or personal hygiene, why should we provide information about the location of any RBSM?
*PROOF YOU CAN ACT LIKE A LADY: Single sisters, feminism is dead! There is a whole new generation of young, single women who are taking off their power suits, and putting on aprons. They like having doors opened for them, hate speaking or hearing foul language, and don’t spend all their off time sucking in information from the latest women’s magazines. They know how to cook, clean, and sew.
*PROOF OF YOUR RELIGION IN ACTION: I don’t care what denomination you belong to, or where you worship. If you claim to be ‘in’ church, your conduct is more important than your mouth! If you can out-cuss a man, out-drink a man, and out-fight a man, even the Bible says that your religion is of yourself--not of God.
*PROOF OF SUBMISSION: This REALLY separates the women from the wanna bes. My single sisters: if you don’t want to listen to an RBSM before you get serious, you won’t listen to him after you tie the knot. It’s the man’s job to lead in a relationship, and a woman’s job to help and follow his leadership in a relationship. If you can’t or won’t, don’t even bother thinking about marriage…or getting a recommendation from married folks.
WHAT KICKED MY KEYBOARD:
There were several items that kicked my keyboard for this column.
*One of them involved watching an RBSM that I knew get severely burned by a single sister. I had encouraged that the two meet. So did some other married brothers that I knew. Little did we know that the single sister would turn out to be in need of serious mental help. Plus, she came from a family with well-known anger management and jealousy problems. The relationship got SO bad, that the brother had to find another job, in another area of town. Yet another victim of dating someone in the same place of employment.
*Second, an Op Ed piece in the New York Times released in December 2002. Entitled: “Love and Race”, the piece pulled together a host of interesting information about those ‘going across the color line’. The piece pointed out that 40 percent of those in the USA have made that decision when it comes to dating. Plus, more and more Americans are marrying across the color line--even in places that were benchmarks for racism. These numbers double, every decade--if I read the column right.
*Lastly, I did a review on Monte Maddox’s book: “What’s Wrong With Black Women”. If you haven’t heard about it, let me cliff it for you. Maddox came to the conclusion that many in the brotherhood have known for years. There is a double standard that exists in the arena of relationships. Single women seem to continue to gravitate towards the worst of the worst among the brotherhood…then get mad over their inability to ‘be a woman’ and grow up, straighten up, clean up and allow RBSMs to ‘discover’ them. In other words, Maddox advises single women to get back to acting like ladies, instead of ‘cookie cutter hood rats’.
Sure, my advice may seem a little harsh. Maybe even downright cruel to some sisters who may be living camped out on DeNial River. However, let’s be bottom line about this ‘relationship’ thing. There are a host of RBSMs out there, waiting to discover the women of their dreams. These brothers don’t need a ‘nightmare’, but a ‘helper’ who is willing to stick with them in marriage and beyond.
On this Valentine’s Day, sisters, be on notice that we are in a new millennium.
Be on the up and up, or be alone.
It’s YOUR call.
And the brotherhood said: AMEN.
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A syndicated, monthly column, written for men from a biblical, business, and common sense perspective. Emails welcome to manhoodline@yahoo.com. ©2003 Mike Ramey/Barnstorm Communications International (3)
OPPRESSING OURSELVES?
As the cold winds and snows of January continue to swirl about the nation, coupled with the annual MLK and Black History Month looming in the distance, I wanted to put a real question on the table to get us to thinking.
Why DO WE oppress one another?
Why are those young brothers who are securing an education oppressed in word, action and deed by those brothers who are content to hang on the corner? Why are my married brothers oppressed by brothers who have not got the manhood in them to marry ‘their baby’s mama’? Why are those among us who went to the polls and voted oppressed by those who can’t tell a voting booth from a telephone booth? Why are sisters who are modest in their dress, upright in their living, and content with their womanhood oppressed by other sisters who are content to ‘take it off’ and ‘get their roll on’?
Here’s my personal favorite: Why are Black folk who go to church, read their Bibles, pray and live their lives on the right side of the street, oppressed by those who are into this--or that ‘ism’ or spell their names with every letter of the alphabet?
OPPRESSION, INC.
Brothers, it wasn’t that long ago that we could legitimately say that Black folk were oppressed. Our employment prospects were limited. Our education possibilities were restricted. Our movements were monitored. Our progress was hindered.
Nearly 40 years later, thanks to the Civil Rights movement--which we WON, by the way--a generation of African Americans were ushered into the economic mainstream.
Many of us have the creature comforts, the economic earning capacity, and the freedom to live and worship where we want that make us the envy of the free world, and bring tears to the eyes of our fore parents.
Yet there are those among us who try to keep the machinery of Oppression, Inc. going at full blast. Ridiculing the institution of marriage. Mocking those who desire to maintain a good family name. Disrespecting the brother who has a dream of his own business. Silencing the sister who would trade her briefcase for a family. Slamming pastors and churches. Shouting down those who would rather work rather than receive a government grant. Pumping out song after song, movie after movie to ‘chide and push’ some young men and young women into the roles of Playa and Hood Rat.
It wasn’t that long ago when the above was done exclusively by other races.
Now, we’re doing it to ourselves.
Oh, how quickly we forget.
OPPRESSION AS AN ART FORM:
The true beauty of oppression is how it can be used to bend folk to an agenda all in the name of fairness, or progress.
Let’s go back to the 1970s and the rise of the ‘Blacksploitation’ movie. Many of them have been re-released on home video or DVD. However, back in the day, few of them had Black directors, Black writers, or Black producers. The ones ‘large and in charge’ presented Black life as ‘only’ existing, or being ‘noble’ in the ghetto.
Now, let’s come forward some 20 to 30 years. We have the same type of movies and mini-movies (Rap Videos) portraying Black life much the same way as their 1970s fore runners. The only difference NOW is, we HAVE Black directors, Black producers, and Black writers. Unfortunately, for the sake of the ‘Benjamins’ some are willing to portray Black life as only being ‘noble’ when we shed our morals and clothes, and treat life as one endless ‘par-tay’, void of spiritual, moral, and ethical responsibility.
In case you haven’t noticed…many of us don’t live in the ghetto anymore.
One could say that the media product of the 1970s was a manner of clearing the way for further oppression. Here we are, some thirty years later, dancing to the same tune--rap track included--not even bothering to take the time to think and observe the historic parallels.
What goes around DOES come around.
OPPRESSION BY LANGUAGE:
Oh yes, and let me not forget today’s language towards each other.
Once upon a time, Black folk used to have respect for one another by our conversation. Even if someone of the local tribe was ‘not all that’, we still shared a common bond of respect for one another.
The tragedy of today is that we have lost our ability to respect one another even by simple greeting. We use the ‘Hip Hop’ excuse of calling anyone of color out of their name, and are shocked when those of other races (and cultures) adopt our mannerisms and ‘language’.
One example ought to be enough. A Caucasian calling to a brother: “What’s up, G?” Or, the same person using the B word towards a Black woman he does not know. This would get anyone up, and ready for a fight!
But, how would YOU feel to be addressed in this manner by your OWN children, or having them address another Black adult the same way.
Dog--or Doggette.
Playas.
Pimp.
Hoe.
Lil G.
Time was when we had a firm grip on ourselves, and our respect for one another. However, with dollar signs dancing in their eyes, a new generation of ‘wannabees’ put their stamp on a brand of rebellion that is best described as ‘blasphemy’. If it was wrong for others to disrespect us, back in the day, why is it ‘right’ to disrespect one another?
PROTECTION OF THE STATUS QUO:
Of course, there WILL be a few who think that I protest too much.
After all, this is just one column--and one opinion.
However, I invite those who think I might be making too much gravy in my skillet to take a good look around at our communities, especially during this time of year when we are supposed to take the time to honor our Black fore runners.
During the last election cycle a few months ago, I found it interesting that more than a few of us did not take the time to head to the polls and make our voices heard. It’s one thing to complain about who is getting into office; it’s another thing entirely not to show up and vote at the polls. It wasn’t that long ago where many of us would be met by cops and shotguns to keep us away.
What’s the excuse now?
Do we think that those who marched, bled, and died for us to get the right to vote are impressed with our excuses? Do we think that those who were on the ‘front lines’ back in the day would be happy with some of our excuses about why some of us did not vote?
Yet another validation of us oppressing ourselves.
Brothers, the plain, simple reason why there are not more Black men in college, in corporate America, or opening our own businesses is that we have let the spirit of oppression cloud our vision. We have been intimidated by those who will still ‘get paid’ in the form of money above, or under the table for keeping many of our dreams in ‘check’.
Every person who puts derogatory images of us on the silver screen--is an oppressor. Every person who thinks that it is their right to pursue a life of crime rather than a life of service--is an oppressor. Every person who desires to shortcut his or her way through life instead of doing things on the up and up--is an oppressor.
And some of them carry the same Black skin that you and I are blessed to have.
That spirit of oppression has to go over the side, like much of the other baggage that has dogged our progress as a people. The excuses don’t matter. The progress does.
That’s what we should be remembering during this time of year…and beyond.
Let’s police ourselves and end the oppression.
If we can’t, don’t, or won’t, then how can we, in good conscience, hold others accountable when we have chained ourselves with the same dirty bonds?
Having pride in our race, and oppressing our race at the same time, in thought, action, or deed cannot exist in the same breath. Bitter waters can’t flow from a sweet source. Black progress can’t flow from a well of Black oppression.
Don’t tell me that Black folk can’t oppress one another.
It’s happening--everyday!
MIKE RAMEY is the author of THE MANHOOD LINE. A monthly, syndicated column, written for men from a biblical, business, and common-sense perspective. Emails welcome to manhoodline@yahoo.com. ©2003 Mike Ramey/Barnstorm Communications International (2).
GOING PRO IN AN AMATEUR WORLD
Now, you didn’t think that your favorite syndicated columnist would let 2002 end without a little commentary on ‘The Bachelor’ and its rise to power on the TV airwaves.
Yes, brothers, this is what we in the journalism game call the ‘year ender’. That last ode to the old year, and a tip off as to what may be coming in the year ahead. Frankly, the premise of that show is rather noble, and traditional when you get to the bottom line. A man has a desire to get married. He has more than a few women to select from to be his mate. He begins the weeding process, taking the time to get to know those women whom cross his path. Of course, the sisters ALL want to be number one on his hit parade, and they do what they can to become a Mrs. However, when the smoke clears, and he makes a decision as to who his wife will be, he picks THE one, puts a ring on her finger, and the two ride off into the sunset of wedded bliss.
Brothers, let me say up front. SHE does not do the asking, when it comes to marriage. WE are supposed to do the asking. Marriage is the ultimate act of accepting responsibility. It is also the maximum indicator of a man’s ability to make a decision. If you PICK right, the marriage will BE right.
However, to all the newlyweds--or soon-to-be newlyweds--in the house, let me hasten to add that marriage is NOT the end, but the beginning. As the two become one, HE discovers that he must continue to love and understand his wife, and SHE discovers that she must love and submit to her husband.
That is, IF the two truly want to be ONE, as God intended.
IN THE SPORTS WORLD:
If I may use a sports analogy, everyone gets excited when a hot amateur athlete gets ready to go pro. Up to that point, the athlete is still ‘in training’, preparing for that day when they can reap financial compensation for years of preparation. Scouts swarm about. The press and the media are hoping for comments from coaches, trainers, and the like. When that athlete announces that he is going pro, and is going to sign with one team, all the other teams back off, and respect the decision that the athlete has made.
The same can be said for marriage. It is a formal march into out of the amateur ranks of dating and courtship, and into the professional ranks adulthood. One MAN and one WOMAN for life IS the standard, the ultimate, and the objective. Anything else, no matter what society may say, your friends may say, or what the two of you may feel is NOT a real, legitimate, or professional approach to the marriage relationship.
CLIMBING THE MARRIAGE MOUNTAIN:
Brothers, stay with me, because now we start to climb the mountain.
When an amateur athlete announces their intention to become a professional, they are making a formal commitment to ‘rise above’ one standard of performance, and embrace the duties, responsibilities, and rules of a higher level of performance. Good or bad. Giving their all whether hurt, injured, or not. In victory or defeat. The athlete is taking a stand that will mark them above the other amateurs in their vocation.
Marriage is the same way. For, when our ‘Bachelor’ friend gets married, HE is saying, in a public fashion, that HE is ready to embrace the duties, responsibilities, and commitment to being married. He puts away his little black book and weekends on the golf course. When the woman he has chosen accepts being his wife, she is also coming out of the amateur ranks. She puts away running the clubs and endless hours on the phone with girlfriends. SHE is ready to embrace the duties, responsibilities, and commitment to being married.
Which also means pre-marital counseling to ensure a happy marriage.
The two no longer are amateurs in the relationship arena. They become one.
SAYING GOODBYE TO THE AMATEUR RANKS:
As any ‘pro’ knows, once the commitment is made, the real work begins, not ends!
More time is spent ‘learning’ the game. Following the advice of coaches, trainers, and other pros on the team. More time is spent learning the playbook. More time is spent on the